The Prostitute Menace

In Uncategorized on May 26, 2011 at 6:30 pm

The Prostitute Menace (story continued from my previous post – The week that wasn’t)

So, the real story starts.

I, Karthik and Satish finally mustered some courage and went outside to the auto rickshaw stand. I was very very sceptic how can we get a call girl at a time past midnight with 3 guys on the street. Karthik pushed me towards the rickshaw driver and I understood it was my turn to get slapped by a rickshaw driver.

‘Hey Pal, do you know where I can get Tuk-Tuk?’ I said while tapping with my index finger onto my right nostril twice.

‘What?’ The rickshaw driver didn’t have a clue what I was asking of him at 2 in the night.

Although my grandma didn’t say the line ‘Nothing good happens after 2 AM’, still I revere these words more than anything.

‘You don’t know Tuk-Tuk!’ I said with incessant tapping of index finger on my right nostril and with extreme impatience in my tone.

The rickshaw fellow was utterly confused, that is when I felt my collar being pulled backwards. The gentle giant was about to do the negotiation, which never ever produced any good result.

‘Do you know where we can prostitutes? Call girls?’ said Karthik without any extra emotion or hand gestures.

Obviously the rickshaw driver refused.

‘Now what do we do?’ said Satish in his usual panicky tone, which was incidentally the first word out of his mouth after getting out of home.

‘Dude! Let us not panic. The world is filled with opportunities. We just have to find the right one’ I said without any self conviction whatsoever.

Infact I must admit that I wasn’t too much of a cool guy like Karthik. I was just blindly following his steps, hoping that someday I will atleast be half as cool as him. Sometimes I did find sense in Satish’s talks, but not retorting him makes myself gay. So I had to do that.

Finally, we went back home the same way we had come. Mr. Cool Karthik opened the newspaper and started looking for massage parlours or Bean Bag agencies at 2:30 AM.

‘Karthik, this is enough. Let’s go to sleep now dude’ I said with all the last drops of sense still left in me.

Karthik’s green ears didn’t even register the sound waves of plea (Green ears – refer previous post).

‘Yeah Hi ! I am looking for some massage company tonight’ said Karthik on phone startling me and Satish. We were discussing what an insolent asshole Karthik is.

‘Who the fuck looks for massage at 3 AM? And why did the other guy even bother to pick up the call?’ These were some the questions going on in my head. Suddenly I realized that Karthik was having a conversation at this time. Something was happening. So I concentrated my mind on the phone. Although I don’t know what happened at the other end, still I could make out most of it from Karthik’s part.

‘No, I want a full body massage. Full.’ Karthik said seriously to make sure that the other guy doesn’t have any confusions left with him.

<Other guy speaking>

‘What age?’

<Other guy speaking>

 ‘Awesome! Which year?’

<Other guy speaking>

‘How is she? Fair? I don’t want any aunty types’

<Other guy speaking>


<Other guy speaking>

‘Ok listen! We are 3 of us, now how much do we have to give?’

<Other guy speaking>

‘Are you shitting me? No way. 3 guys, 6000 bucks. Fine?’

<Other guy speaking>

‘You get her here. Ok note down the address’

And then Karthik went ahead with other mundane details. And he finally hung up the phone.

‘Guys we are finally having fun tonight’ said Karthik with an extreme sense of achievement.

Satish was ogling so much as if Karthik as if he was the messiah of the virgin community.

I was in total disbelief that this was actually happening. I had only heard of great people and their great deeds. Today, I thought I am becoming a part of history.

Together we lighted many more joints, because the job was done. All that we needed to do was to wait.

We waited impatiently for another 20 mins till the pimp drove the girl to our location.

We all went down to offer a grand welcome. The cab driver was the pimp. He switched on the lights inside the car. And we all got the first glimpse of the girl we were about to sleep with.

‘What the fuck!’ Karthik almost screamed out.

‘This is your fair college girl?’ Karthik was furious.

The call girl seemed like some housemaid servant. Satish was still happy I don’t know why.

‘Take her away, deal cancelled’ Karthik said without consulting anybody else.

The pimp obediently drove the car with the call-girl in it, away from us. There was no altercation. It seemed as if he almost knew what was to happen.

Satish was the first one to plead.

‘Dude she isn’t that bad. What do you think will we get in 2000 buck per head?’ Satish said with earnest humility.

‘Let us call her back. It ok dude! Its all for fun’ I said while feeling my tenders.

The pimp was again called for, he had barely crossed some 400 metres from our home when he had to take a U-turn and come back.

We paid the money upfront to the pimp and the call girl stepped out of the car for the first time.

We went back home and everybody was trying to hide the call girl from external prying eyes, as much as possible. It almost felt like a commando covert operation.

We went inside and thought that it would be a good idea to break the ice before getting started with the hardcore business.

‘Ahmm.. I am Karthik.. What is your name? said Karthik in the extreme shy tone that even surpassed those of the 70’s bollywood actresses.

‘My name is Julie’ she said.

How come every dog is name Tommy and every call girl is name Julie? Is this a professional description? Like people who dealt with medicines were called Doctors and people who deal with nothing were called Engineers? I was digressing in my mind. After 7-8 joints, people hardly can separate the important stuff from the non-important ones. ‘Why Julie? Why Julie?’ I kept ranting in my mind.

‘So Julie, this is Satish, and this is Akash’ said Karthik in a jovial tone, just as managers took new-joinees over the floor to get them introduced them to the team. The similarity was uncanny; the screwing business was unmistakably evident.

‘Hey Julie.. so you are the lucky one… he he he…’ Satish blabbered out his happiness.

Bad jokes can put even a prostitute through embarrassment is something I learnt that day.

While we were chitchatting we came to know the following points, which needed our immediate attention:

  1. Julie was hungry, she didn’t have her dinner. She was coming straight from some client’s house; the man wasn’t kind enough to even offer her some decent dinner.
  2. We didn’t have condoms.
  3. Grocery polythene bags could not be a substitute for condoms.


‘Ok, let’s get this sorted one by one.’ I thought


We knew a place that was open 24*7. But we never went to that place with a prostitute or with somebody even vaguely dressed up as Julie was.

The omelette place was about 4 km from our house. It was near a BPO centre, people who claimed to work there had fake English accent which was almost hilarious, drank gallons of tea, smoked expensive cigarettes, had no bank balance, and got lucky by the day. One could ask why one of ask why someone didn’t get the food packed for Julie? The answer to that would be: typical customer male ego.

Saw finally we four sat on two bikes and left for the fateful omelette place. Karthik & I in one bike and Julie & Satish in another. We had requested her to wash off her bright red lipsticks before we left for the place.

We lighted one more joint and ate like crazy. To my best guess, not many would have found out what Julie does for a living at the omelette shop.


We again got on our bikes and left for a 24*7 pharmacy. The middle aged lean man gave me such pathetic looks as which could out of only two reasons coming to my mind: a) Julie was his daughter b) He himself paid for Julie, but she ditched him and came to us.

Whatever be the matter, I approached the counter (this line sort of rhymed).

‘Uncle, I need balloons’ I said as if I have just delivered the awesome most joke of the century. However nobody laughed, nobody even cared to understand and not so surprisingly even the leaves were moving. Such a pathetic scene it was. I then explained the guy that we needed condoms. The pharmacy guy turned out to be re-incarnation of Moses. Only this time, he had the tablet of Ten Commandments intact.

‘You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You come to pharmacy in groups and then ask for condom and when there is a lady around with 2 other guy. Don’t get too frank with your friends.’ He said just like every other elder inIndia. He too was full of free advices at 4:15 AM

After some time the pharmacy guy realized that she is a hooker. I could almost feel the lid of his head blow off. He was ashamed to be a part of this society. I think after selling us the condoms, he might have committed suicide. He was truly terribly disgusted with himself.

We chose everything we could get (thin, dotted, strawberry and blah blah blah). The main enthusiasts were I and Satish. Karthik was standing back rubbing Julie’s love handles (which I thought was seriously sick thing to do anywhere, including pharmacies).

We sat on our bikes for the last time and headed off to our place. The enthusiasm for the great sex had almost died, now that we knew that the sun will be up in 2 hours. It was a sick feeling. While Satish was as hot as an iron sausage out of kiln, I and Karthik were rotten cucumbers. And we entered home eventually.

I would not go into too much of details of what happened in the next 2 hours, but all I can say is that Satish was exceptionally happy before I dozed off.

The next afternoon we woke up at around 1 AM (obviously Monday office was gone). Everybody in same flat working for the same office got food poising on the same day. I guess Julie too must have given the pimp, the same excuse.

Anyways, after the severe pot effect wore off, and I felt like puking. Julie didn’t look like house-maid. She was way worse than anybody could ever imagine. Satish went into severe depression, when he came to know that this is the same beauty goddess he was referring to the other night when he lost his innocence.

And Julie went back to her life of skipped dinners, and we thought this was one such night which best remained forgotten.

If you have read the full story, and you think I can improve, then please leave your valuable comments. Helps me feel that I am cool.


the weekend that wasnt

In Uncategorized on October 10, 2010 at 4:46 am

Like all the weekends in our lives before that, today too was exceptionally ordinary. Satish, Karthik and I didn’t have a clue how to spend it.

‘Dude! I think we probably go to brigade road. There are super chicks with super short clothes’ Satish suggested seemingly intelligently.

‘Why the hell should anybody go to brigade road? Its Sunday today, roads are choc-a-block and it is far … <long pause>.. plus I don’t like just looking at hot chicks.. serves me no purpose.. instead I will watch a porn and jerk off ’ I said carrying all the baggage of the past experiences of Bangalore traffic which didn’t treat me well.

‘Hey Karthik what do you think?’ we both shouted out. Karthik was least bothered about which place to go or where to hang out. He was by far the tallest of us all and our best candidate to score. But he simply didn’t care. This is an air that Karthik carries with him. But on close observation you may find that it has the smell of pot.

‘Guys! Whatever you do, lemme know. And because I won’t be driving so doesn’t matter for me which place you go. I am going to light a joint’ Karthik said in his extreme pothead tone. And he just slipped back into his world of green grass and blue skies.

‘Hey Karthik! You know what? Your name have been nominated for the Bharat Ratna in super asshole category’ I retorted acidly. ‘Why aren’t you ever a part of discussion or any constructive activity for the house? I pay the bills.. you just smoke pot.. I have to see if the kitchen inventory is ok.. you just smoke pot..’ and I kept ranting on and on. I was sincerely hoping that this would atleast instigate Karthik to confront me.. I needed a quarrel desperately. All that he said instead was ‘Fuck dude! Come here. I have already lit one’. And then I again started to admire my old friend who was so honest and innocent from inside that it almost made me scream at him.

And I joined Karthik for the pot and now its Satish’s turn to get fucked.

‘Dude ! I was on phone for 10 mins and I see you too smoked up.. aren’t we supposed to go brigade road?’ Satish said in his usual impatient desperate voice.. which was now falling into green ears.

*Green ears – the ear that you develop after smoking up.. Its very very sensitive to good music especially Jimi Hendrix and very very oblivious to whining people like Satish.

I and Karthik first smiling at Satish and then started laughing and didn’t end for quite a long time. Finally we got our breath back but then got super hungry. Pot makes you feel like pregnant lady experiencing hormonal changes. You have sudden cravings of chocolate ice cream and suddenly Jimi Hendrix and then one more joint. Nobody can predict what is coming next. Finally we convinced Satish to join us for pot and we went back to our days.. had a good laugh about everything in the world and a shade more for the ugly girls in our college.  Then we decided to booze at our place itself and not go brigade road. But this booze step should not have been taken as I later found out to my horror, the severe effects.

— Two hours later —
‘Dude! I have got two Vat-69 for us. Will that be enough? I have got coke and salted peanuts and cigarettes.. why don’t you super slow asses move from there? Your room looks like a gas chamber…’ and there went Satish with his lame questions and flaunting his gold medal in day-to-day household management degree.

— Four hours later <Everybody was dead stoned and drunk>—
‘Its almost 10’oclock. Let do some fun’ I suggested.
‘I have a suggestion, but you dumb idiots wouldn’t agree to it’ Karthik said something on his own for the first time in the night.
‘Anything for you.. just tell me’ I shouted out of excitement .. Satish also joined in the I-am-dude-and-can-do-anything party alongwith me.
‘Lets call a Call-Girl then’ Karthik suggested shyly
‘No fuck dude! No’ I and Satish said in our disbelief
‘See? I told you’ said Karthik mocking us.
And what followed was nothing less of a legend, which we still recount.

Coming soon in the next blog entry. The Prostitute Menace.

Please do leave your comments.

non-independent matrimony

In Uncategorized on August 14, 2010 at 5:06 am

I was listening the folk music of different parts of India (through, feeling very patriotic on 14th Aug.  An ad for matrimonial site popped up. To my astonishment it was a Bengali wedding site. Since there was nothing better to do on a dull Saturday morning. I decided to check out the site. The following are some of the excerpts of my random thought process (with the music in the background):

And the story starts… (the names are distorted only by one character to retain originality :P)

Fuck !! UP (uttarpradesh) folk is very loud and totally bhojpuria movie type. Why didn’t that state have half the music sense as Bengal or Rajasthan?


^What the fuck?? Firstly at the age of 23, they are getting her married… Secondly, the parents are still deciding on the happiness of children and we say that we are approaching the 63rd Independence day? And even if everything was ok, how can he get a ‘PERSONE’ and a ‘GENTALMAN’?

Raima|25 yrs, 5 ft 1 in | Hindu, Kayastha |Not Working | Annual Income:Does Not Matter. My daughter is a lively girl who believes in enjoying life to the fullest. She is friendly and adjus…

^ If your girl seriously believes in enjoying life to the fullest, then how come she couldn’t even find herself a bf or a groom? And why are you doing the task for her? Why is she so afraid to put a thumbnail pic on the profile? Will that tarnish her image in any way? And why isn’t she working? Is this what you call as enjoying? Why does annual income not matter? Any groom who ‘enjoys life’ will not suffice I think…

Madhusmita|24 yrs, 5 ft 1 in | Hindu, Mahishya | Doctor | Annual Income:Does Not Matter | Hi!!I am simple , fun loving..wants to enjoy life and want to be a good doctor..if any one wants to …

^ Well Madhusmita, there are some places where you can use nonsensical mba jargons.. board meeting and appraisal sheets are fine. But this is your marriage. Write less but write relevant… ‘Wants to enjoy life’, who doesn’t? How can you want to be a good doctor? You are already a doc… you can only want to earn more and that has nothing to do with being a good doc. And “if any one wants to” what?  I am laughing my ass out.. for the next part of the her puzzle, I actually have to get into her profile and find what is she offering… “if any one wants to” it is…

All in all, today I again realized that freedom is still far from achieved.  I don’t know much but I know that when a girl wants to put a thumbnail image to increase her marriage prospects, she doesn’t do that because of the fear of mis-utilization of the image. If this is still prevalent, can we truly say that India is free?

your comments?